Rest in Peace Jeep

On Thursday I was driving to class when my car started beeping. I looked down and saw that the temperature gauge needle was pointing all the way to hot. I pulled over, turned it off, and called the mechanic. Once I was at the mechanic’s shop (or would you call it a garage?), I waited, and waited, and waited to have an update on what was wrong with my car. But I knew in the pit of my stomach that it was not going to be leaving with me. It would cost more to have the car fixed than it is worth. I called my stepdad, and my mom. She called my grandpa. This huge game of phone tag ensued where everyone tried to formulate a game plan.

Jeep CollageIt was a tad stressful. I found myself CRAVING pizza. Here I was in the middle of a crisis (I didn’t even know how I was going to get home), and I was thinking about FOOD. The next few days have been pretty similar. I look and feel relatively calm (considering my emotional nature), but I CANNOT stop eating. I am an intelligent human being. I KNOW that I am not really hungry, but that does not stop me from FEELING like I am starving.

Here is how I have been attempting to curb my appetite:

  • Drinking tons and tons of water. It makes me feel full, and I know I’m not overeating due to dehydration.
  • Having plenty of healthy snacks on hand. Grapes can only get me into so much trouble.
  • Hitting the gym HARD. I know that I am taking in extra calories, so I want to offset that as much as possible. Also, when I am at the gym, I am not in the kitchen.
  • Trying to relax. For me, the most relaxing place in the world is a bubble bath. It’s difficult to freak out surrounded by warm water and nice smelling soap. When I start to feel panicky it is my favorite place to be.
  • Relying on social support. I’m sure that Kim and my mom are both annoyed by the number of phone calls they have received. It helps me to talk things out, and it does not hurt to have someone tell me it’s going to be okay.

I’m sure you think I am overreacting. I probably am. But I chose and paid off that car myself. It was EXACTLY what I wanted and I’ve had it for six years. Purchasing a new car feels like a big deal to me (and apparently my stomach agrees).

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Frustrated Thursday

As you know, on Thursdays I like to write lists of all the positive things I have going on in my life. Today I don’t feel like it. Call it emotional immaturity if you must, but today I wouldn’t describe myself as very thankful. I prefer a few other adjectives such as: bitter, pessimistic, frustrated, surly, and exasperated.

I know what you are thinking (or at least what I would be thinking if I was reading this as opposed to writing it), “Why the drama? Something really terrible must have happened!” Well, that is not true. Nothing has happened, and that is exactly the problem. I am still waiting for a decision regarding graduate school!

I did not realize until recently how closely my identity is tied into being a student. I have been in school for the last 18 years of my life (longer than that if you count pre-school!), and I honestly don’t know who I am without it. Just a waitress with a college degree? I love school. I love learning. I love writing papers, and preparing projects, and presenting in front of my peers, and making good grades, and answering questions. What if that is over for me?

All of these negative emotions got the best of me last night and I made the mistake of eating my feelings BIG TIME. I have been very focused on weight loss since graduation, and I feel like over all I have done a great job. So, I am beating myself up a little for cracking under pressure. Here is a visual of how the day ended up.

FYI these are net calories. I did not only consume 700 calories on Tuesday.

Monday: Solid. Tuesday: Baller. Wednesday: WOOOOAH MAMA! Anyways I have some serious damage control to do this week. I woke up early to go for a run this morning, but to your surprise (I’m sure), I now have a belly ache. Hmmmm, funny how that happens when you eat your entire daily caloric allowance in one sitting. WHO KNEW?

If you have made it this far into the post, then thank you for your patience. Sorry for being so introspective and venty. I know that there are lots of bigger problems out there, and I don’t mean to be dramatic, but this FEELS big to me! Sorry for not being thankful, or cheerful. Hopefully I will be in a better frame mind later.