Rest in Peace Jeep

On Thursday I was driving to class when my car started beeping. I looked down and saw that the temperature gauge needle was pointing all the way to hot. I pulled over, turned it off, and called the mechanic. Once I was at the mechanic’s shop (or would you call it a garage?), I waited, and waited, and waited to have an update on what was wrong with my car. But I knew in the pit of my stomach that it was not going to be leaving with me. It would cost more to have the car fixed than it is worth. I called my stepdad, and my mom. She called my grandpa. This huge game of phone tag ensued where everyone tried to formulate a game plan.

Jeep CollageIt was a tad stressful. I found myself CRAVING pizza. Here I was in the middle of a crisis (I didn’t even know how I was going to get home), and I was thinking about FOOD. The next few days have been pretty similar. I look and feel relatively calm (considering my emotional nature), but I CANNOT stop eating. I am an intelligent human being. I KNOW that I am not really hungry, but that does not stop me from FEELING like I am starving.

Here is how I have been attempting to curb my appetite:

  • Drinking tons and tons of water. It makes me feel full, and I know I’m not overeating due to dehydration.
  • Having plenty of healthy snacks on hand. Grapes can only get me into so much trouble.
  • Hitting the gym HARD. I know that I am taking in extra calories, so I want to offset that as much as possible. Also, when I am at the gym, I am not in the kitchen.
  • Trying to relax. For me, the most relaxing place in the world is a bubble bath. It’s difficult to freak out surrounded by warm water and nice smelling soap. When I start to feel panicky it is my favorite place to be.
  • Relying on social support. I’m sure that Kim and my mom are both annoyed by the number of phone calls they have received. It helps me to talk things out, and it does not hurt to have someone tell me it’s going to be okay.

I’m sure you think I am overreacting. I probably am. But I chose and paid off that car myself. It was EXACTLY what I wanted and I’ve had it for six years. Purchasing a new car feels like a big deal to me (and apparently my stomach agrees).

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Home Sweet Hell

I’m heading back to school tomorrow and I am dreading it with every fiber of my being. This may seem like a strange remark considering how much time I spend writing about how happy I am with school. It’s true, I love my classes. I love being a group fitness instructor. I love teaching life time physical activity and fitness. I love reading research articles. I love discussing said research articles. I love my professors. I love my friends. I loooooove the teenagers that I have the opportunity to work with. So, what is my issue?

I’ve tried to keep it classy on the blog, but everyone who has had a conversation with me in the past four months know that I am unhappy with my living situation. The deal is my roommate hates me. I’m not over exaggerating. Seriously, haaaaaaates me. And my dog.

How could anyone hate these faces?

How could anyone hate these faces?

If you find yourself a little confused, don’t worry. You are not alone. I don’t understand it either. I feel like I have gone out of my way to try to accommodate her, I even had to pay her portion of the utilities last month and I did not complain (not to her face anyways).

I wish that I was a stronger person and I could shrug this whole thing off, and not let her opinion effect me. But I’m not like that. The status of our relationship (because you certainly cannot call it a friendship any longer) hurts my feelings on a daily basis. I feel uncomfortable in my own home. I’m there rarely, and when I am at home I’m locked up in my room. It sucks. Tinkerbell is miserable. I am miserable. The whole ordeal is not fun for anyone involved.

Home Sweet HellSo what am I supposed to do? I would like to move out, but our rental company will not allow me to find a sub-leaser. It would be worth it to me to to just pay the remainder of my lease on the hell hole and get my own place, but I’m afraid that she is going to move out and stop paying her portion of the rent (she’s already not paid me for her utilities), and then I’ll be completely screwed because there is no way I could pay my rent (at two locations) and hers.

It’s a sticky situation. I feel like there is no solution. I have no idea what the best course of action is, and after a month long hiatus I am not looking forward to putting up with her bologna again.

I realize that this is a personal post and has nothing to do with fitness. I’m telling myself that if I think of health in the holistic sense, then my personal sanity is relevant to this blog. Thanks for your patience and understanding.

Weekend of Gluttony

I have been on fall break since Friday at 2:00, and I have taken it upon myself to turn my hiatus from classes and work into a hiatus from all things health related. I’ve spent the last four days eating (mainly cheesy things, definitely not vegetables… unless you count fried green tomatoes), drinking (diet coke and a variety of alcoholic beverages not a drop of water), and sleeping.

I have no idea why I have gone off the gluttonous deep end, but I would be lying if I said that I hated it. I’m telling myself that I have just been taking this vacation thing a little too seriously and I will get back into my healthier routine once I get back to school tomorrow…Hopefully my pants still fit.

Speaking of pants, I bought some new ones. Burgundy skinny chords. They will be great to wear with my boots this fall/ winter. They were a surprisingly tiny size, and my mom says that they make my butt look cute.

Cute booty not pictured

Tonight I wore my boots for the first time since last winter. They were thrilled to be reunited with my feet.

My momsy broke out her boots too!

That was a nice tangent.

Point being, I have let myself go a little, but I refuse to beat myself up about it. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my break and it was probably exactly what I needed in order to get back on the healthy living band wagon full force.

Don’t Let the Haters Stop You

So the last two posts have been all “rah-rah my life is bomb.com”, and that’s great and everything, but I need to be honest. While work and school and research are going super great, my living situation sucks eggs. My roommate and I just aren’t meshing and it’s becoming more and more clear that things are not going to be smooth and easy this year.

In all fairness, I don’t think that I would be happy living with anyone other than Kim right now. She was my best friend, personal shopping assistant, number one hang out buddy, and my emotional support for two years. She is my favorite person to commiserate with, and often times my voice of reason. That is a lot to compete with. I should have known that it wouldn’t be easy to adjust to living with someone new. I should have gotten my own place.

Point being, things have been rocky. There is a lot of tension, door slamming, and bad vibes. Honestly, I don’t see a resolution in the near future either.

I read a quote somewhere (which I now cannot find for the life of me) that said something similar to, “Any problem which cannot be solved on a long run does not have a solution.” I ran five miles tonight. In comparison to the runs I was doing this time last year, that’s nothing. But right now it’s long for me. Don’t judge.

What I came up with is these words of wisdom from Mean Girls’ Kevin G…

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I can’t solve the issues that are going on around me, but I can do my best to not let things get to me. I have so many incredible opportunities right now it would be idiotic of me to be unhappy and not make the most of them. I need to focus on the relationships that bring positivity into my life (and probably buy a plane ticket to Connecticut.)

Embrace the Butterflies

Last night, after I wrote my post about how I was going to be teaching classes my emotions got the best of me. I went from feeling excited to terrified. I was exhausted, but I could not relax enough to get to sleep. I was questioning if I was smart enough, mature enough, and organized enough to be successful. At some point I switched from rationale thoughts to solid panic.

Then I started beating myself up. I have everything that I want. My finances are completely covered. I am going to be in a position where I can make a positive impact on peoples lives. Hasn’t that always been my goal? I asked myself, “If I have everything I want, and I am still not happy, then what is my problem?”.

At some point around four AM I finally managed to fall into a fitful sleep. Although this morning I did wake up with that same gnawing anxious feeling in my stomach, my mind was in a much better place. I was calmer, and kinder and I came to a few realizations:

First of all, I’m still in transition. I don’t feel settled into my home (still living out of boxes and can’t find anything), and my schedule next year is completely unknown. I’m largely unsure of what to expect at this point, and that is okay. I know how to ask questions. I know how to figure things out. I know what I need to know to calm down (does this sentence make sense, or am I more delusional than I realized?).

Secondly, I may have overextended myself, but there is only one way to figure it out. I know what are my top priorities and what I can cut out if necessary. Just by recognizing what needs to be number one and what can be shelved if it comes to it makes me feel better.

Third, it’s not necessarily disadvantageous that I feel this way. My high school drama teacher taught her students that the nervous feelings associated with stage fright mean that you care about your performance. The butterflies are a good sign. I should embrace them, rather than panic at their arrival. I feel VERY nervous because I care a WHOLE lot.

I don’t mean to put a negative spin on the incredible opportunities that have come my way. Once I feel a little more sure of a routine my confidence will rise, and so will my level of happiness. I think this coming semester is going to be one of the happiest of my life. So what if I’m not feeling quite so confident at this very moment.

What if I fail?

I am amazed at how things have come together for me. Just a few months ago I had no idea where I was going to be living, or what I was going to be doing. Now, not only have I been admitted to a graduate program that I am ridiculously excited about, but I found out yesterday that I am receiving a graduate assistantship, and will be teaching undergraduate classes this fall.

My ultimate career goal is to be a college professor, so to be given the opportunity to teach now is insane. I am thrilled. I could pee my pants.

Let me tell you a secret… I’m also terrified. I can’t believe these people have so much faith in me. I feel like I was just seventeen and applying to college a few weeks ago. How can I possibly be prepared to teach these students who are practically my peers.

Part of me wonders what is wrong with these people who think that I am an “Outstanding Senior”, and I am ready to teach college students. They don’t realize that I am perpetually in search of my keys, get lost every time I visit some place new, and routinely wear socks that don’t match. I’m not an adult. I call my mother in tears on a weekly basis.

Although I am thankful to have received these accolades, I feel undeserving. I’ve been given everything that I could have possibly wanted. I have everything to lose? What if I don’t meet their expectations? What if I fail?

Frustrated Thursday

As you know, on Thursdays I like to write lists of all the positive things I have going on in my life. Today I don’t feel like it. Call it emotional immaturity if you must, but today I wouldn’t describe myself as very thankful. I prefer a few other adjectives such as: bitter, pessimistic, frustrated, surly, and exasperated.

I know what you are thinking (or at least what I would be thinking if I was reading this as opposed to writing it), “Why the drama? Something really terrible must have happened!” Well, that is not true. Nothing has happened, and that is exactly the problem. I am still waiting for a decision regarding graduate school!

I did not realize until recently how closely my identity is tied into being a student. I have been in school for the last 18 years of my life (longer than that if you count pre-school!), and I honestly don’t know who I am without it. Just a waitress with a college degree? I love school. I love learning. I love writing papers, and preparing projects, and presenting in front of my peers, and making good grades, and answering questions. What if that is over for me?

All of these negative emotions got the best of me last night and I made the mistake of eating my feelings BIG TIME. I have been very focused on weight loss since graduation, and I feel like over all I have done a great job. So, I am beating myself up a little for cracking under pressure. Here is a visual of how the day ended up.

FYI these are net calories. I did not only consume 700 calories on Tuesday.

Monday: Solid. Tuesday: Baller. Wednesday: WOOOOAH MAMA! Anyways I have some serious damage control to do this week. I woke up early to go for a run this morning, but to your surprise (I’m sure), I now have a belly ache. Hmmmm, funny how that happens when you eat your entire daily caloric allowance in one sitting. WHO KNEW?

If you have made it this far into the post, then thank you for your patience. Sorry for being so introspective and venty. I know that there are lots of bigger problems out there, and I don’t mean to be dramatic, but this FEELS big to me! Sorry for not being thankful, or cheerful. Hopefully I will be in a better frame mind later.