Rest in Peace Jeep

On Thursday I was driving to class when my car started beeping. I looked down and saw that the temperature gauge needle was pointing all the way to hot. I pulled over, turned it off, and called the mechanic. Once I was at the mechanic’s shop (or would you call it a garage?), I waited, and waited, and waited to have an update on what was wrong with my car. But I knew in the pit of my stomach that it was not going to be leaving with me. It would cost more to have the car fixed than it is worth. I called my stepdad, and my mom. She called my grandpa. This huge game of phone tag ensued where everyone tried to formulate a game plan.

Jeep CollageIt was a tad stressful. I found myself CRAVING pizza. Here I was in the middle of a crisis (I didn’t even know how I was going to get home), and I was thinking about FOOD. The next few days have been pretty similar. I look and feel relatively calm (considering my emotional nature), but I CANNOT stop eating. I am an intelligent human being. I KNOW that I am not really hungry, but that does not stop me from FEELING like I am starving.

Here is how I have been attempting to curb my appetite:

  • Drinking tons and tons of water. It makes me feel full, and I know I’m not overeating due to dehydration.
  • Having plenty of healthy snacks on hand. Grapes can only get me into so much trouble.
  • Hitting the gym HARD. I know that I am taking in extra calories, so I want to offset that as much as possible. Also, when I am at the gym, I am not in the kitchen.
  • Trying to relax. For me, the most relaxing place in the world is a bubble bath. It’s difficult to freak out surrounded by warm water and nice smelling soap. When I start to feel panicky it is my favorite place to be.
  • Relying on social support. I’m sure that Kim and my mom are both annoyed by the number of phone calls they have received. It helps me to talk things out, and it does not hurt to have someone tell me it’s going to be okay.

I’m sure you think I am overreacting. I probably am. But I chose and paid off that car myself. It was EXACTLY what I wanted and I’ve had it for six years. Purchasing a new car feels like a big deal to me (and apparently my stomach agrees).

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Grad School Ramblings

I feel like I just finished a marathon. These last few weeks have been physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically draining. It was one looming deadline and stressful exam after another. I was scrambling to accomplish anything, turning in assignments, taking tests and holding my breath that I had done enough. I was in survival mode. I was scraping things together, and praying I was adequate.

On Friday, it ended. Just when I felt like I was fried and could not handle another setback, all my deadlines were met, all necessary work was completed, all the exams have been taken. I had ten beautiful glorious days where I could choose to do whatever I pleased… anything.

I crashed. I slept, and slept, and slept- for hours. I played with my dog. I did two weeks worth of laundry. I cleaned my apartment. And then, I made a list of my upcoming school projects and I got to work. I printed off a humongous stack of research articles and I sat on my porch barefooted and read leisurely. I read in the bath tub. I read in my bed.

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Grad school is hard. God. It. Is. So. Hard. Occasionally, I get on Facebook and I look at pictures of my friends’ adorable babies, and handsome husbands, and I briefly wonder if I should have taken a different path. But I don’t want a baby. I don’t want to be planning a wedding. I want a thesis. I want to be Dr. Layton Reesor, PhD. I want to publish research and present at conferences. I want to go out for Sangrias with my grad school friends, drink too much and talk about our work.

And that is exactly what I do. Now that I have a bit of a reprieve I feel satisfied, proud, accomplished. I feel as committed as ever to this life I have created.