Last night, after I wrote my post about how I was going to be teaching classes my emotions got the best of me. I went from feeling excited to terrified. I was exhausted, but I could not relax enough to get to sleep. I was questioning if I was smart enough, mature enough, and organized enough to be successful. At some point I switched from rationale thoughts to solid panic.
Then I started beating myself up. I have everything that I want. My finances are completely covered. I am going to be in a position where I can make a positive impact on peoples lives. Hasn’t that always been my goal? I asked myself, “If I have everything I want, and I am still not happy, then what is my problem?”.
At some point around four AM I finally managed to fall into a fitful sleep. Although this morning I did wake up with that same gnawing anxious feeling in my stomach, my mind was in a much better place. I was calmer, and kinder and I came to a few realizations:
First of all, I’m still in transition. I don’t feel settled into my home (still living out of boxes and can’t find anything), and my schedule next year is completely unknown. I’m largely unsure of what to expect at this point, and that is okay. I know how to ask questions. I know how to figure things out. I know what I need to know to calm down (does this sentence make sense, or am I more delusional than I realized?).
Secondly, I may have overextended myself, but there is only one way to figure it out. I know what are my top priorities and what I can cut out if necessary. Just by recognizing what needs to be number one and what can be shelved if it comes to it makes me feel better.
Third, it’s not necessarily disadvantageous that I feel this way. My high school drama teacher taught her students that the nervous feelings associated with stage fright mean that you care about your performance. The butterflies are a good sign. I should embrace them, rather than panic at their arrival. I feel VERY nervous because I care a WHOLE lot.
I don’t mean to put a negative spin on the incredible opportunities that have come my way. Once I feel a little more sure of a routine my confidence will rise, and so will my level of happiness. I think this coming semester is going to be one of the happiest of my life. So what if I’m not feeling quite so confident at this very moment.