As you know, on Thursdays I like to write lists of all the positive things I have going on in my life. Today I don’t feel like it. Call it emotional immaturity if you must, but today I wouldn’t describe myself as very thankful. I prefer a few other adjectives such as: bitter, pessimistic, frustrated, surly, and exasperated.
I know what you are thinking (or at least what I would be thinking if I was reading this as opposed to writing it), “Why the drama? Something really terrible must have happened!” Well, that is not true. Nothing has happened, and that is exactly the problem. I am still waiting for a decision regarding graduate school!
I did not realize until recently how closely my identity is tied into being a student. I have been in school for the last 18 years of my life (longer than that if you count pre-school!), and I honestly don’t know who I am without it. Just a waitress with a college degree? I love school. I love learning. I love writing papers, and preparing projects, and presenting in front of my peers, and making good grades, and answering questions. What if that is over for me?
All of these negative emotions got the best of me last night and I made the mistake of eating my feelings BIG TIME. I have been very focused on weight loss since graduation, and I feel like over all I have done a great job. So, I am beating myself up a little for cracking under pressure. Here is a visual of how the day ended up.
Monday: Solid. Tuesday: Baller. Wednesday: WOOOOAH MAMA! Anyways I have some serious damage control to do this week. I woke up early to go for a run this morning, but to your surprise (I’m sure), I now have a belly ache. Hmmmm, funny how that happens when you eat your entire daily caloric allowance in one sitting. WHO KNEW?
If you have made it this far into the post, then thank you for your patience. Sorry for being so introspective and venty. I know that there are lots of bigger problems out there, and I don’t mean to be dramatic, but this FEELS big to me! Sorry for not being thankful, or cheerful. Hopefully I will be in a better frame mind later.